I don’t know what complex algorithms the dating sites use, but it seems like some days all the douchey emails come in all at once. Like whatever search criteria guys like that plug in, my profile gets hit by them all. Yesterday must have been one of those days as I got a bunch of them. Here they are for your reading enjoyment.
“On a scale of one to America, how free are you to come with me to a twenty-four hour Chinese buffet and fill up on dumplings?”
Sadly I can’t tell him if I am free or not as in the hour between when he sent the email and when I actually viewed it, he had disabled his account. So I am guessing the dumpling offer was only good if I had responded in the few min after he sent the email. Oh well. Chinese Buffet’s scare me anyways.
Yep. That’s all the email said. Real classy. Must have taken him hours to craft that opening email. Because I love all my blog readers, and I like to give you juicy things to read I send him back this email just to see what he would say.
Thoughtful emails deserve thoughtful responses. Right? He then responded to me with this:
Questions really should have questions marks at the end. Other wise, they are just statements.
No. I am not going to engage in a conversation with a OKcupid troll who can’t put in the effort to send an email more than 1 word long. In case you are wondering, the sum total of information on his profile says just this; “Hi hot latino”. So yes. He is a troll.
Our 3rd email of the evening comes from New York, NY
Him: “Hello.. you are beautiful..We should be doing love right now.. kiss”
How exactly does one “do love”? And because he was lucky #3 in a series of crap contacts I responded with my less than usual nice way.
Me: “Nope. My douche limit is pretty much set at zero. “
To my surprise he responded back, only now his profile says Los Angeles, CA. He said this:
Him: “lol ok, i wish I wasn’t rude… kiss”
If wishes were ponies, we would all have stables. And 6 hours later his profile says NY again. He is like superman with all the flying across the country he seems to be doing. Because I couldn’t help myself, I had to send him one last email. Sadly his mom must have never taught him to be a good human, so I must now try to impart just a little logic on him.
Me: “Unlike being an Astronaut or President; not being a douche is actually a goal you can achieve. It’s pretty easy! I think you will find that when you stop objectifying women as only pretty ornaments for your amusement that you will attract a much higher caliber of women. There may come a point where you realize you wasted huge chunks of your life trying to bang anything female that moved. While life, and decent people, all passed you by. “
“I just browsed your profile. Did you feel the tingle?”
You browsed, and you emailed, and yet I was unaware of either till I logged into the dating site. This email is actually harmless enough except it is really hard to try to engage in a conversation with someone when they give you absolutely no help. In reading his profile, we were not a good match so I thankfully didn’t have to worry about trying to respond and instead just ignored the email.
The last contact is not mine, but a friends. She got this last night too.
Ancondacraxt44: “I love your titis”
Is the Anaconda part in his name some kind of reference to something? My friend is less impressed with vulgar emails when the person can’t even spell the body part he is trying to ogle. Anaconda dude looked at my profile last night too, but seeing as I am small chested I clearly didn’t measure high enough to deserve a douche email. Oh well. My loss 😉