Sometimes I get contacted by someone and words fail me. I got a “Hi” email from someone the other day. The profile picture intrigued me so I clicked over to see what he was all about. Photo #1 was an up-close of his unicorn head. Photo #2 was the whole shot.


But then it got better when I read his actual profile:

“If I am Zarathustran, it may be because I have overcome much in my life. I have been attacked by prairie dogs, and then chased by the police for attacking prairie dogs in a protected wildlife reserve. I am still here. I lived in SLC from 1981-1988 and have recently returned after spending 15 of the past 25 years in San Fransisco. I have lived in New Orleans, Honduras, Buenos Aires, The Mojave Desert, Chicago, and Lexington, among other places. God only made one of me. So enjoy me. Or not. I sure will. But enough.”

Wait. Did that say he was attacked by prairie dogs? That’s umm, unusual. Random references to obscure Nietzsche religions aside, I don’t even know what to do with the profile. It’s ok to be quirky on your dating profile, but once you cross the line into full blow odd don’t expect many people to message you back.


hey baby. Wanna fold sweaters together.


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I get a lot of off the wall emails. Some creepy, some gross, some sweet but misguided, and sometimes I get one that is so WTF that it makes me belly laugh for 5 min solid. Such was the email from last night. Actually I am still laughing at it.

“haha you are so cute just like lemon tarts or a cupcake. We should meet and do our laundry sometimes.”

Are lemon tarts cute? I guess they are. But the laundry comment is what really made me laugh. How is that even a pick up line? Speaking of which, I do need to do laundry tonight. Sadly, not with this guy.



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A couple of weeks ago I got this email.

“For ages you have come and gone
courting this delusion.
For ages you have run from the pain
and forfeited the ecstasy.
So come, return to the root of the root
of your own soul.

Although you appear in earthly form
Your essence is pure Consciousness.
You are the fearless guardian
of Divine Light.
So come, return to the root of the root
of your own soul.

When you lose all sense of self
the bonds of a thousand chains will vanish.
Lose yourself completely,
Return to the root of the root
of your own soul.


13th century Persian poetry is certainly a unique way to contact someone. Except I don’t really know how to respond the 13th century poetry. And neither the message or his profile gives me much to go on aside from the fact that he loves gingers (his profile title says so). Being unique is good (for the most part), but when starting out a blind conversation with a stranger, some degree of personal information or a question about the person to get the conversation started is a good thing. If you walked up to a girl at the bar or coffee shop and just said that to her, with nothing after to explain it, to introduce yourself, or to follow it up, she would prob think you were weird and walk away from you.

When I didn’t respond to his last email he sent me this:

“Last call for us hooking up. Ponder it seriously for two minutes and then either:

A. Embark on a physical, mental, metaphysical journey with me, exploring the human pleasure receptors and how to stimulate them simultaneously

B. disengage with silence


ps I am as serious as a heart attack, and man enough to take you there.”

Is that a wanna hook up email? Because that’s what I take it to be. When poetry fails, immediately offer sex to a girl. Because both aren’t socially weird in the context presented. This time I did tell him no thank you. And I blocked  him so no future sex or poetry can be offered.


The Race Card


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So last week I got this email.

“Hello my Utah Princess
I am Robert
I recently Relocated here
And you are the First Person I Contacted…..
Your Amazingly Beautiful
May I get to know your inner Beauty……………………”

It’s a sweet email, but when I went to the guys page the connection just isn’t there. There are some really big lifestyle differences and I just don’t feel the connection enough with what he wrote to want to see if the life stuff can be over come. But it was a busy couple days and I didn’t have a chance to send him back my polite no thank you email. Two days later, I got this.

“I wrote you…
And no answer
Are you not attracted to Handsome
Hard working
Black me 🙂
Dont be scard…
You proberly will fall in Love :)”

Fall in love is a pretty bold statement for someone you haven’t even met yet. Had he actually read my profile instead of just looking at the photos before emailing he might have known we have some pretty key differences and love isn’t very likely. But ok, clearly now it really is time for the polite no thank you email. To which he replies.

Your family or you dont like black men?”

Oh there it was. The racist card I figured was going to be pulled. I can have 20 guys email me, and I can send all 20 of them a no thank you email for various reasons. But if one guy happens to not be white, he instantly fires back at me that the reason for the rejection is solely because I am racist.

Hey I get it. Utah dating is hard when you are anything but blond with blue eyes. And I am not even going to pretend that racism doesn’t exist, because I know it does. But assuming that every girl who says you aren’t a good match is doing so because of skin color is really a bad way to look at the world and dating. That kind of thinking does not give a lot of genuinely good people the benefit of the doubt.  I regularly go on dates with people of all different races and backgrounds. I shouldn’t have to defend myself to the occasional asshole who thinks my saying no is a reflection on his skin color. I wish people would just move on and get over things instead of pulling out both guns and calling people they don’t even know nasty names. Maybe that girl is saying no because she doesn’t like black people, and in that case you don’t want to date a closed-minded person like that anyways. Or maybe, just maybe; she is saying no because your profile says you don’t believe in evolution and think creationism should be the only thing taught in schools. That your profile says a love of Christ is very important for anyone you date to have. Maybe there were some other key differences, and she thinks those might be too big of hurdles to try and over come.

But you know. Minor details.


A swing and a home run


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I often find it interested how different people react to the same message. I can read a message and think it’s not funny, while a friend finds it charming and another finds it creepy. The importance with finding a partner is always finding one who thinks at least some of your jokes are funny, or charming, and not creepy.

So last week I got an email and the subject line was:
“If you are so smart, why don’t you love Jesus?”

I let out a sigh and prepare myself for whatever blog fodder the email is about to contain.

Ah – did you open this email after that line? Hehe I’m entertained either way I think which I assume is the most important part.

In some seriousness, let’s have a battle of wits to see if we can maintain a conversation. I propose we use old English (grammatically speaking, not the wood polish), or at least fake it, to keep things interesting.

Kind Lady,
The world o’re tis a wondrous sphere, with many of those who art kindly and genteel, yet also oft reeking of the creeping and vile. To test thy wisdom, please answerest thus inquiry: what is the is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

Little known fact about me. My friends and I used to quote lines from Monty Python and the Holy Grail in High School (we also quoted lines from Starship Troopers, but we don’t need to talk about that here). So reading this email I went from amused and smiling, to outright laughing at the end when he threw in the swallow bit. My friends read this email and one thinks this dude is weird and one thinks it’s fine, but doesn’t get the full appeal. But me; I was laughing. Which is half the battle. I have no idea what the actual date with this guy will be like, though he did pick one of my favorite places to meet (with no suggestion from me), so already his batting average is way up. But regardless of how the date turns out, I was very amused by the email and in a sea of ‘hey baby’ type messages, that’s saying something.


Edit: He was a nice guy but there was not spark for either of us on the date, which is just how that goes most times. He was also 6′ 5″ which put him a solid foot taller than me. It was a little weird while walking to keep having to look way up to talk to him.


A Rose By Any Other Name


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I am horrible with names. Really really horrible. I would probably forget my own name if I hadn’t been repeatedly called it my whole life. It is actually a personal fault of mine that I find to be very rude, and something I do make an effort to correct. Sadly my brain doesn’t always like to cooperate with me.

Such was the case on a date I went on this weekend. Let’s call this guy John (name changed to protect the innocent). John told me his name over the emails we had exchanged. His match user profile name has John in it. When I put the date into my phone calendar I put it in as “Date with John”. When he approached me outside the location he said to me “Hi, my name is John”. Do you sense a pattern here? That this guy was firmly and definitely named John? And yet my stupid brain went through the whole date thinking his name was Eric. Oh yeah. I did that. That is not even close to the same name. Thankfully I didn’t ever actually use his name at any point during the date. But I was a little shocked when I went to text him the address for the dinner place we had set up for our 2nd date and discovered his name wasn’t Eric, but John.

So yes, I had a FANTASTIC date with a guy this weekend. So great that we set up a 2nd date before the 1st was even over. And I did it all while not knowing his name. :-/ Epic fail on my part. Maybe for the 2nd date my brain can think his name is Tony or Steve. I mean, that’s close. Right?


Dating Games


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I have never understood the desire to play games while attempting to date. People should just be themselves. And I do get the irony of posting to a blog where I basically lambast someone for being ‘themselves’ (good or bad). Someone out there will find certain things charming, while the rest of the population walks away shaking their head. Dating is all about finding the person who appreciates your weird.

But back to dating games (which can be very much like The Hunger Games at times). I just don’t get why people have to play them. Case and point. I have been exchanging a few emails with a guy. He sends me this:

Him: “I think we should go for a walk sometime with the dogs. Its been so nice outside.”

That’s the point we are at with the emails so that’s a great idea in my book. I respond back:

Me: “A walk or something around liberty or maybe a stroll around tanner park would be fun. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx to figure something out”

That’s a normal response to a lets meet in person email. Except he sends back this:

Him: “My # is xxxxxxxxxx. Ill text ya next time :)”

Wait. What? Why are we playing the, ‘no you text me first’ game? That’s a game some girls play, and we don’t need to do that. You emailed me. I responded. You asked me out. I said yes. I gave you my number to plan something and now you want to play games? Esp. on something as easy, and chicken shit as a text. The date was a sure bet, but now I don’t really want to answer back. I don’t want to play this game. I just wanted to meet up and see if we clicked in person. ugg.

Maybe the next girl will like the guy who plays hard to get.


All at once


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I don’t know what complex algorithms the dating sites use, but it seems like some days all the douchey emails come in all at once. Like whatever search criteria guys like that plug in, my profile gets hit by them all. Yesterday must have been one of those days as I got a bunch of them. Here they are for your reading enjoyment.

Contact #1

“On a scale of one to America, how free are you to come with me to a twenty-four hour Chinese buffet and fill up on dumplings?”

Sadly I can’t tell him if I am free or not as in the hour between when he sent the email and when I actually viewed it, he had disabled his account. So I am guessing the dumpling offer was only good if I had responded in the few min after he sent the email. Oh well. Chinese Buffet’s scare me anyways.

Contact #2


Yep. That’s all the email said. Real classy. Must have taken him hours to craft that opening email. Because I love all my blog readers, and I like to give you juicy things to read I send him back this email just to see what he would say.


Thoughtful emails deserve thoughtful responses. Right? He then responded to me with this:

“No what”

Questions really should have questions marks at the end. Other wise, they are just statements.
No. I am not going to engage in a conversation with a OKcupid troll who can’t put in the effort to send an email more than 1 word long. In case you are wondering, the sum total of information on his profile says just this; “Hi hot latino”. So yes. He is a troll.

Contact #3

Our 3rd email of the evening comes from New York, NY

Him: “Hello.. you are beautiful..We should be doing love right now.. kiss”

How exactly does one “do love”? And because he was lucky #3 in a series of crap contacts I responded with my less than usual nice way.

Me: “Nope. My douche limit is pretty much set at zero. “

To my surprise he responded back, only now his profile says Los Angeles, CA. He said this:

Him: “lol ok, i wish I wasn’t rude… kiss”

If wishes were ponies, we would all have stables. And 6 hours later his profile says NY again. He is like superman with all the flying across the country he seems to be doing. Because I couldn’t  help myself, I had to send him one last email. Sadly his mom must have never taught him to be a good human, so I must now try to impart just a little logic on him.

Me: “Unlike being an Astronaut or President; not being a douche is actually a goal you can achieve. It’s pretty easy! I think you will find that when you stop objectifying women as only pretty ornaments for your amusement that you will attract a much higher caliber of women. There may come a point where you realize you wasted huge chunks of your life trying to bang anything female that moved. While life, and decent people, all passed you by. “

Contact #4

“I just browsed your profile. Did you feel the tingle?”

You browsed, and you emailed, and yet I was unaware of either till I logged into the dating site. This email is actually harmless enough except it is really hard to try to engage in a conversation with someone when they give you absolutely no help. In reading his profile, we were not a good match so I thankfully didn’t have to worry about trying to respond and instead just ignored the email.

The last contact is not mine, but a friends. She got this last night too.

Ancondacraxt44: “I love your titis”

Is the Anaconda part in his name some kind of reference to something? My friend is less impressed with vulgar emails when the person can’t even spell the body part he is trying to ogle. Anaconda dude looked at my profile last night too, but seeing as I am small chested I clearly didn’t measure high enough to deserve a douche email. Oh well. My loss 😉

And the world keeps turning


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Remember this guy from over a year ago?


Well last week i got a new email from him.

Him: “Do you mind if i ask why you didn’t respond to the message i sent you? You seem like a great girl to get to know.”

I’m a bit confused by this email, as I haven’t gotten an email from him since the one all that time ago. So I sent him this back:

Me: “You mean your messages from a year ago? Because those are the only ones you have sent me. And I actually DID respond to them.”

He then sends this as a response:

Him: “You seem like a fun girl. Would you let me impress you and spoil you out for an amazing date sometime?”

As least he dropped the sexy part of his form email but still it reeks of a “I want to get laid” canned email. Because it was just that kind of day I decided to respond back to him.

Me: “Do you mind if I ask you a question now?
Why send a somewhat douche sounding email to a girl and then get offended when she doesn’t respond? Your emails to me a year ago were all copy and paste type letters just like the one you just sent. If the goal is to strike up an actual conversation and encourage an actual date then you are going about it all wrong. If the goal is to just try and get laid then I suppose your emails are right on target. But if the 2nd option is the case then I really am not interested.”

I eagerly await his response.

Edit: I never did get a reply from him. Oh well.

Disturbing email


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Yesterday I got a rather disturbing email. We all know the internet is full of mega creepers but this one was a whole new level. By and large I try and not reveal too much personal information about the people who email me unless they take the crazy or ass-hole level to new heights, but in this case I am leaving all his information on here for all to see.

“James O’Neill

Subject: SEXTOY


Normally an email like this wouldn’t bother me too much beyond the fact it was unsolicited and clearly creepy. But his mention of children brings it into pedophilia and child abuse territory and that truly scares me. I found his words so disturbing that I reported him to the website to hopefully ban him. I had to resist every urge to reply to him with every bit of profanity I know (and even perhaps some new ones).

He says he is in Park City which could be a lie, but I forwarded his email onto both the Park City Police and the Summit County Sheriffs and asked that if they can’t do anything that perhaps there is a division in the FBI they can forward this onto. More than likely this creeper wont get anything done to him, but I at least know that I passed his info onto the authorities to hopefully stop him.

As a side note, I do kinda want to troll him now like the people who troll the Nigerian scammers. See if I can get him to reveal more personal info so that at the very least I can go slash this dick-wads tires. I don’t normally go all vengeful on anyone, but this guy I can make an exception for.